Always grace.

I just lost a massive thoughtful post due to the pictured child. He was sitting at the desk with me and mucking about with my big heavy how-to-look-super-spiro study bibles (which I was referencing for the post).


Sigh.


Undeserved favour, that I live in a country where I have access to bibles in my own language, for study.


Grace that I have a computer to type on, and access insights into God through others' blogs.


Grace that God has been working in my heart, so that all I said was 'Oh Silas!' and looked sadly at him.

And grace that you don't have to marathon through my ramblings (trust me, and thank God), but I still got the opportunity to preach to myself.


Butter wouldn't melt hey...

Trying to take opportunities to turn errands into dates. This was a petrol & slurpee date (no he didn't drink ALL of that).

Linking up with Gracelaced again. Monday, Tuesday, whatever.

Underwear and Underbreathprayer

The 5 year old was having a pre-bedtime 'moment'* because when he tried to pull his shorts off, his undies came with them.


The 3-almost-4 year old was cheery but lacked undies altogether because they were somewhat besmirched, and also, he needed to finish off the bottom-wiping that led to aforementioned besmirching.


I finished changing the almost-6 month old's nappy, and as I lay her down in her cot, prayed under my breath that she would settle easily so that I could deal with her brothers patiently.


Not a peep out of her. Thanks God. Sometimes it's the little things I can appreciate the most.


*Our understated term for hysterically losing self control and being almost impossible to reason with.

Labour Day Grace.

It's Tuesday afternoon here. Will this blogging rebellion ever end?


Yesterday was Labour Day.
A slow and sunny labour day, spent with family (who fed us roast and desserts).
Rans didn't have to work yesterday.
Thankful.


I realised I had no idea what Labour Day is about, so I looked it up!
It's celebrating the establishment of decent working hours.
Apparently, not even so long ago, many workers were required to work 10-12 hour days, six days a week. And if you ever see 888 on public buildings (I'll keep an eye out now!) it represents the ideology of a British socialist named Robert Owen who, among others, believed we should have 8 hours working, 8 hours playing, 8 hours sleeping.

So on Labour Day we celebrate some people who campaigned on our behalf to win us good working conditions.

Thankful!

Pic found here

There is so much that has been done for me, by people, even those I don't know, to win me favour I never even asked for. People campaigning, wars fought in, sleep missed, sacrifices made, offences overlooked. 
I never asked my Pa to fight in the war, but I'm glad he did.
Thankful.

Pic found here

Which consequently turns my mind to thinking:
Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:7-8)


I never asked Jesus to die for me. I don't even fully know what it cost him, or what happened. I don't always think about it, or appreciate it. But in spite of that, before I was a twinkle in my great x500 grandparents eye, God was working to win me (any anyone who believes it) a future  where I never have to be separated from him.
I never asked Jesus to die for me, but I'm glad he did.
Thankful.

Pic from here

On a separate note, I'm feeling amused because I just had to explain to Silas that River's bravery does not, in fact, immunise him against getting sunburnt. Tee hee.

(Linking up with Graced Laced 'Mondays' again.)

Movement

It's been hard finding a new church. I'm so tired of going to church and evaluating; a mistake a preacher at our old church made, we'd trust was a simple slip of the tongue and relax. The same mistake at a new church and we wonder - does he know that it was Reuben and not Simeon? Was it a slip of the tongue, or does he not know? And how much does it matter if someone gets Joseph's brothers mixed up anyway? Potentially going from a laid-back, somewhat demonstratively conservative church, to a hands-up-if-you-love-the-Lord kind of church, so confusing! Church cultures are another world altogether! Is anything biblically wrong, or just different? Maybe it's better? Why didn't our old church do this? Will I ever make it past rookie (according to Tim Hawkins)? See - exhausting!

And last year with the pregnancy, when I spent a whole year exhausted, we just stopped going. I find it frustrating that growing up attending church every Sunday means nothing when it comes to habit. We fell out of the habit so easily, and getting back into the habit is hard.


Chatting to a friendly guy the last time we attended one particular church (memo to people who have a home church: say hello to the new people - you save us!) - he suggested a question that has stuck with me in regards to choosing a new church - can I grow here?
That's on top of my other simple wants: sound teaching, community, children's program.
I think it's a great question, and the reason why we've ruled some churches out - too comfortable, too easy to blend in and never be challenged. Not that we want to be challenged - we hate it. But we know it's good for us, like all those things I should do, but never do, like exercise and get out of bed on time.


Anyway. By God's grace, by his undeserved goodness - we have movement. Rans and I can be lazy. If Bible-reading-avoiding was a video game, we'd be playing on Expert/Legendary/Master and owning (I can't type 'pwning', I'm 28 and a mother of three. I just can't).


We're seeing movement though - in our habits and in our hearts. We sat down to watch a video from The Meeting House, and it was taking ages to load and we got talking about one of the quotes the video started with, and then we started arguing (not fighting) about it, and we went at it for maybe an hour and I was all discouraged and bothered, because the video was loading in toddler-time and we were arguing and then I realised we'd actually had a really good discussion and both learned heaps! I was wanting a relaxed experience and instead Rans had been pushing my buttons and making me defend my points and I realised I'd learned stuff, and so had he! Grace, that God knows what we need and provides it - even if it initially doesn't look like provision to us. Now we're hungry for truth and meaning and motivated to move towards Who we believe is the source of those things.


(By the way - if you know me and are curious about what I believe - I think I'm happy to throw my hat in with The Meeting House's teaching. Not that I know what 'throwing my hat in' even means. But it's funny and easy to listen to and their usual speaker's name is Bruxy for goodness' sake! BRUXY!)


Here are some other things I'm thankful for.

A milkshake and muffin date with River. And then pizza and Mary Poppins with the family that night. It was only after all this we realised they'd naughtily sneakily helped themselves to a bag of lollies that morning also. So. Much. Sugar.

This little lady who is trying SO hard to talk to us! Nothing delights her more than when we copy her 'oooh' face. It's like she's thinking 'Yes! I'm getting it!'

She is such a happy baby. Even when she's grumbling, it's sort of more like good-natured yelling.

I linked up with Grace Laced Mondays again. Even though it's 44 minutes into Tuesday.

I feel slightly thrillingly rebellious.

Harrowing

I took the kids to get a couple of needles last night. They'd never had them before (I had my reasons, that none of their doctors/paeds ever took issue with) and I finally felt a peace about it, and with whooping cough seeing a bit of a resurgence here and there, we went for it...


Let me just say that River's cry was so heartbreaking that the parents next to me cried as well. And when Silas went to sit on my knee, River desperately tried to stop him saying 'no no Silas, you don't want the needle'*. I'm a bit teary just remembering. What did I do to deserve such a sweetheart? Nothing, I know.


*Silas, of course, stubbornly but uncertainly replied, 'no, I do want it'. I love my contrary lad.


Lowie was a bit cross, but the time-honoured milky pacifier soon had her calm and sleepy.


I bought them a happy meal AND sundaes for dinner. I felt so sorry for them. I don't enjoy these lessons in hurting them to help them. 
But I have lots to be thankful for. 
Thankful that we have vaccinations - and that I was able to delay vaccinations because of the herd-immunity our country enjoys. 
Thankful that I could beg God for peace and calm when I wanted to sob, so I could focus on soothing my boys.
Thankful for the lovely nurse who came and chatted to me afterwards, who didn't judge us delaying vaccinations but praised me for researching and understood my reasons.
Thankful the children all slept well that night.
Thankful for my kids. My main prayer is for patience, because I lack it and they test it - but in those moments when they are so vulnerable I thank God for the reminder of how precious they are. They are just so...well - if you're a parent, you know it, right? It makes my heart ache, and if I'm not careful it leads to panic - how can I protect them? What if God chooses to take them? What if they get sick? Trust is hard.
So - thankful for a God who loves my children more than I do, and is patient when I struggle with trust.


Apparently the council nurse is going to call me to help organise the rest of our vaccination schedule. I'm considering some sort of no-phone-answering fast. For purely spiritual reasons of course...

Grace Laced Monday

I'm having a hot chocolate before bed on a Monday night, and love the idea of 'grace laced Mondays' - or anydays really. It's such a good habit to stop and notice beauty, pause and be thankful, and remember to breeeeeathe. I have 'breathe' written on a chalkboard sticker in the kitchen and typically enough, it's almost obliterated by other notes. Including one by Rans: "Reminder: River is the big one, Willow is the small one, and Silas is the other one". 
I'm afraid to ask myself 'where would I be without him' just in case I realise I'd be in a far saner place and have regrets.


Anyway. This is how I spent last year.

                               Not a bad achievement hey?





But as I reflect on grace, God's grace (my working definition is 'undeserved favour', but really 'grace' is like 'love' - there's a simple definition but ohhh the depth if you start to delve into them), I realise how much I missed last year. I was weak. So weak. Sick and tired doesn't seem to cover it. Feeble and exhausted and overwhelmed and dramatic and lazy and incapacitated. The dramatic and lazy are for when I actually felt okay but played dead. I'm being honest here okay? (pray for my husband)


'Let us then approach God's throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need'. (Hebrews 4:16)


I could have asked for help. Don't get me wrong, I asked people for help, and my family and friends are a great example of God's provision for me. But this verse makes me realise the significant opportunity I missed.


In 2 Corinthians 12:9, Paul's talking about a problem he had that he wanted God to take away -
'But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.'


Do you see the opportunity I missed last year? I could have spent last year finding grace. Sufficient grace. Learning about how good God is at filling in the gaps. I don't doubt what he can do; when I do ask, I get whatever I need - not always what I have in mind, but always good. Instead, I navel gazed (and it was pretty easy with my belly sticking out and all) and focussed on my troubles.


So - here is the grace I am thankful for tonight. I am learning a lesson. No point in 'what iffing' about last year. I am all about 'next time'. Next time I struggle, there is an opportunity to experience grace - to see what God has for me. Easy or hard, I always come out the other side better with God's grace.


And the other grace? The boys are repeating their years of kinder. I get to do the year again. All the moments I missed last year, I get another chance. I do not take this for granted. I wasted a year (besides making a wonderful baby) and I basically get to do it again. Undeserved blessing.

Level Up

"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt."

- Abraham Lincoln, apparently.

Although -

"The trouble with quotes on the internet is that it's difficult to discern whether or not they are genuine".

- Abraham Lincoln, apparently.

Because I wanted a photo and he picked me flowers.

Anyway.


I've been thinking about why I struggle to blog, and I think I have the answer. Well actually, that's not true. What I mean is that I think I'm starting towards the answer.


I think it has to do with being a private person. I don't know if people realise I'm a private person, since I can be quite verbose. Ahem. But I'm hesitant to discuss my inner workings, and I'm trying to figure out why.


At first I thought it might be pride, that I don't like to admit my weaknesses, but I don't think that's it. I mean, I could definitely afford to lose a bit of unhelpful pride, but I don't mind admitting what I suck at. Discipline, going to bed and then getting up (it's 1:30am currently. I KNOW!), punctuality, selfishness, lack of empathy (although I think that's a protective thing, more on that later). And I gave my boys cereal for dinner three times last week. I mean, we do dinner at lunch time, but still.


Actually, I do have a bit of pride about appearing unwise - because I have been given a bit of wisdom and hate the thought of being seen to be foolish, I want people to hear what I have to say. But the thing is, I believe God gave me my wisdom, and I still have that in the face of my total stupidity and weakness. So to not share my failures is to paint the picture that the wisdom is mine because of myself, instead of in spite of myself. (+10 Epiphany Points)


I thought I might be insecure - not wanting to post because, really, who reads this stuff anyway? But I don't think that worries me too much. I often (especially on Facebook) type a response and then delete it, thinking 'no-one even cares'. But I don't think that's low self-esteem speaking, I think that's just being realistic. The internet is filled with people just talking at each other without considering whether they actually care, or if they're just wanting to share their opinion. So, to be honest, sometimes I'll delete a reply because I realise - I don't actually care. I delete because people don't need to be talked at. They need to be cared for.


Also, while we're talking about Facebook, that's the worst really, isn't it. I often go to comment and then realise - I don't even KNOW you! Old school friends, internet friends, old random acquaintances - I haven't earned the right to speak into their lives. Unless they ask and I can specifically help them by saying something someone else hasn't already - pregnancy/parenting stuff usually fits this exception.


But also, as I touched on before, I think it's a protective measure. I've previously mentioned I'm struggling on Facebook and been jumped on for offending people. Really? Can you not look past how I've phrased something and just thought 'man, she must be having a tough day'. I can be a bit of a 'softie', as my Dad describes me (seriously, you know the kids movie 'Milo and Otis', about that cat and the dog? Tears.) and I really struggle with putting myself out there only to be told that I'm wrong.
On the one hand, I'm pretty good at understanding that everyone talks from their own experience and sees things through those filters. But on the other hand, if I'm reaching out for understanding and love and don't get it - why should I share? What's the point?


Which I guess brings me to the point. The bloggers and friends I have learned the most from are the ones who have shared honestly. I learn when they talk about being lonely, about how they struggle to trust in God, when they share what they are learning from the bible, when their houses are messy, when they say they feel weak but I can see them growing and their faith being vindicated. These things encourage me and inspires me to live a better life, either on a superficial level (like Diminishing Lucy banging on about 'drink more water' so much that I think I do drink more water these days) or on a spiritual level (like Beth from 'Tis Mercy All not being afraid to use the word 'sin' and her example in asking God for help when she needs it. True story - I messaged Rans the other day to say I was struggling, and he messaged 'I'll pray for you'. And I thought...I wonder why I never think of that!).


So why blog if I know that realistically most people don't care?


I guess - in case someone does care. Because of how I've been challenged to live better when I otherwise wouldn't. In case God feels like using my life to help someone else. Which he can't do if I don't share.


So now, if you've made it this far (I hope you're doing fist pumps for being so awesome) - I'm curious.
- Are you there? Am I talking to air? You can just comment to say hello even.
- Do you blog? Why or why not?
- Have others' blogs inspired or challenged you, or are they just light entertainment? (like my FB profile now)
- Do you hate Facebook too? Ahh I hate it but I can't stay away.

Each time he said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.

2 Corinthians 12:9