Level Up

"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt."

- Abraham Lincoln, apparently.

Although -

"The trouble with quotes on the internet is that it's difficult to discern whether or not they are genuine".

- Abraham Lincoln, apparently.

Because I wanted a photo and he picked me flowers.

Anyway.


I've been thinking about why I struggle to blog, and I think I have the answer. Well actually, that's not true. What I mean is that I think I'm starting towards the answer.


I think it has to do with being a private person. I don't know if people realise I'm a private person, since I can be quite verbose. Ahem. But I'm hesitant to discuss my inner workings, and I'm trying to figure out why.


At first I thought it might be pride, that I don't like to admit my weaknesses, but I don't think that's it. I mean, I could definitely afford to lose a bit of unhelpful pride, but I don't mind admitting what I suck at. Discipline, going to bed and then getting up (it's 1:30am currently. I KNOW!), punctuality, selfishness, lack of empathy (although I think that's a protective thing, more on that later). And I gave my boys cereal for dinner three times last week. I mean, we do dinner at lunch time, but still.


Actually, I do have a bit of pride about appearing unwise - because I have been given a bit of wisdom and hate the thought of being seen to be foolish, I want people to hear what I have to say. But the thing is, I believe God gave me my wisdom, and I still have that in the face of my total stupidity and weakness. So to not share my failures is to paint the picture that the wisdom is mine because of myself, instead of in spite of myself. (+10 Epiphany Points)


I thought I might be insecure - not wanting to post because, really, who reads this stuff anyway? But I don't think that worries me too much. I often (especially on Facebook) type a response and then delete it, thinking 'no-one even cares'. But I don't think that's low self-esteem speaking, I think that's just being realistic. The internet is filled with people just talking at each other without considering whether they actually care, or if they're just wanting to share their opinion. So, to be honest, sometimes I'll delete a reply because I realise - I don't actually care. I delete because people don't need to be talked at. They need to be cared for.


Also, while we're talking about Facebook, that's the worst really, isn't it. I often go to comment and then realise - I don't even KNOW you! Old school friends, internet friends, old random acquaintances - I haven't earned the right to speak into their lives. Unless they ask and I can specifically help them by saying something someone else hasn't already - pregnancy/parenting stuff usually fits this exception.


But also, as I touched on before, I think it's a protective measure. I've previously mentioned I'm struggling on Facebook and been jumped on for offending people. Really? Can you not look past how I've phrased something and just thought 'man, she must be having a tough day'. I can be a bit of a 'softie', as my Dad describes me (seriously, you know the kids movie 'Milo and Otis', about that cat and the dog? Tears.) and I really struggle with putting myself out there only to be told that I'm wrong.
On the one hand, I'm pretty good at understanding that everyone talks from their own experience and sees things through those filters. But on the other hand, if I'm reaching out for understanding and love and don't get it - why should I share? What's the point?


Which I guess brings me to the point. The bloggers and friends I have learned the most from are the ones who have shared honestly. I learn when they talk about being lonely, about how they struggle to trust in God, when they share what they are learning from the bible, when their houses are messy, when they say they feel weak but I can see them growing and their faith being vindicated. These things encourage me and inspires me to live a better life, either on a superficial level (like Diminishing Lucy banging on about 'drink more water' so much that I think I do drink more water these days) or on a spiritual level (like Beth from 'Tis Mercy All not being afraid to use the word 'sin' and her example in asking God for help when she needs it. True story - I messaged Rans the other day to say I was struggling, and he messaged 'I'll pray for you'. And I thought...I wonder why I never think of that!).


So why blog if I know that realistically most people don't care?


I guess - in case someone does care. Because of how I've been challenged to live better when I otherwise wouldn't. In case God feels like using my life to help someone else. Which he can't do if I don't share.


So now, if you've made it this far (I hope you're doing fist pumps for being so awesome) - I'm curious.
- Are you there? Am I talking to air? You can just comment to say hello even.
- Do you blog? Why or why not?
- Have others' blogs inspired or challenged you, or are they just light entertainment? (like my FB profile now)
- Do you hate Facebook too? Ahh I hate it but I can't stay away.

Each time he said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.

2 Corinthians 12:9