I'm afraid to ask myself 'where would I be without him' just in case I realise I'd be in a far saner place and have regrets.
Anyway. This is how I spent last year.
Not a bad achievement hey?
But as I reflect on grace, God's grace (my working definition is 'undeserved favour', but really 'grace' is like 'love' - there's a simple definition but ohhh the depth if you start to delve into them), I realise how much I missed last year. I was weak. So weak. Sick and tired doesn't seem to cover it. Feeble and exhausted and overwhelmed and dramatic and lazy and incapacitated. The dramatic and lazy are for when I actually felt okay but played dead. I'm being honest here okay? (pray for my husband)
'Let us then approach God's throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need'. (Hebrews 4:16)
I could have asked for help. Don't get me wrong, I asked people for help, and my family and friends are a great example of God's provision for me. But this verse makes me realise the significant opportunity I missed.
In 2 Corinthians 12:9, Paul's talking about a problem he had that he wanted God to take away -
'But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.'
Do you see the opportunity I missed last year? I could have spent last year finding grace. Sufficient grace. Learning about how good God is at filling in the gaps. I don't doubt what he can do; when I do ask, I get whatever I need - not always what I have in mind, but always good. Instead, I navel gazed (and it was pretty easy with my belly sticking out and all) and focussed on my troubles.
So - here is the grace I am thankful for tonight. I am learning a lesson. No point in 'what iffing' about last year. I am all about 'next time'. Next time I struggle, there is an opportunity to experience grace - to see what God has for me. Easy or hard, I always come out the other side better with God's grace.
And the other grace? The boys are repeating their years of kinder. I get to do the year again. All the moments I missed last year, I get another chance. I do not take this for granted. I wasted a year (besides making a wonderful baby) and I basically get to do it again. Undeserved blessing.